Our brave heroes reprise their roles of heroes of the Ruritanian army, and have been languishing in their barracks (in some disgrace) since their last adventure when this arrives...
*Dramatic music*
In out last enthralling episode, our heroes had started a war, what exploits will they get up to this time?
Dramatis personae:
Ralph: Boris Tobogganvich riding with The 1st Transnistrian Light-Heavy Hussars. Nice to see an officer who has come up through the ranks and not bought his commission too...
Mark: Graf Smirnoff von Bibble. The 5th Grand Petit Augsberg Dragoons is his, bought and paid for.
Clive: The Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff., commanding the Royal Distillers Cuirassiers and Temperance Caribiniers, a volatile mixture, commanded by a junior member of the royal household.
Mission briefing:
The war
rumbles on, but you are missing it. Inexplicably, you have been drawn on parade
and guard duties while the action has been hot on the border. So, as another lazy
day watching your servant polish your boots at the barracks has been
interrupted by the sudden arrival of a courier with a message from the Grand-Duchess
herself, you snap open the Royal Seal to read:
Dear (insert his name here, you know, the one who caused all the trouble we are in, I don’t know which one, just send it to all three of them, it might even mean one of them gets it done, just write down what I say),
As you are no doubt aware, the War in Transistria vs our neighbours Borduria has been long. We have not achieved the strategic breakthrough we wished for and the war has rather bogged down. As you started it, you and your unit have been confined to barracks for your own safety (no, that is not a mistake, we didn’t want those idiots out there causing more trouble), but a situation has arisen that needs the special skills you possess (I know they don’t, but it will get them some fresh air won’t it, have we really got no one else we can send?).
We have received word that General Nepredatel is planning to defect to the enemy. Your mission is simple (yes, just the mission, not them), you and your unit, ride to the northern province of South Transnistria (we really need to rename that bit one year) and eliminate him by any means necessary.
He may be planning to take some of his staff and even our scum, sorry, glorious forces with him (to be honest, after the wet winter we have had, I can’t blame the poor buggers), make sure that they do not.
Blah blah blah, by god are we that desperate to send them?
Orders: Take your units, ride to Transitria, find the HQ of General Nepredatel and remove his head.
You have been supplied with the latest, most scientifically accurate and detailed map, freshly drawn by the Ruritanian Board of Cartographers. You start on one of the three southern hills on the lower (possibly southern) edge of the map, as someone said you get a better view from the top. Pick one and good hunting.
Which roughly translated as this (nice to get my terrain boards out this year):
As ever, I wrote this up, but the Whatapp script is more entertaining than I could ever manage on my own, so the gent's comments are added in for flavour.
Ralph took the left hill with the 1st Hussars. 'To be honest General Nepredatel deserves to be hung drawn and quartered for having a stupid name, let alone his treason.' Mark chose to deploy his dragoons
with go right, stating 'Let the heavies go up the middle!'
Ralph: Be ready for a rapid advance on the left and right and a minor movement in the middle
Mark: Just along as it doesn't interfere with the boys Vodka break it will be ok
Clive: I wanted hill A and use the road as I'm so slow, but happy to go sedately up the middle
And Lo! it was decided that both Ralph and Clive would arrive on the same hill, without telling each other, and leaving the middle hill bereft of troops.
It was a bit of a squash and a squeeze! 
As Mark and his Dragoons rode to Transnistria, each mile through the country picked up more and more men, all ex border guards who followed him again. Most followed based on his 'reputation' with herself rather than his conduct in the last fight and they've even based their uniforms on his unit!!!
Ralph: Ex border guards bit of a dodgy lot
Clive: Lucky, dirty devil
Ralph: No shock there
The Hussars and heavies tried to disentangle themselves.
Ralph: We'll we have to show them how to ride
Clive: The impatient bastards!
Ralph broke left, heading for the gap between hills to the left and the village at a decent speed, while Clive rode down the far side of the hill onto and along the road.
The three (and a bit) units exploring, hmm what's that on yonder hill? Ralph set off to investigate.
Mark, however, shared his plans by picture: 
The others were jealous of his literacy skills.
Clive: Ooh he's gone all strategic!
Ralph: What's strategic about a red crayon
Clive: Well I haven't been given a map and a crayon!! And I'm very important
Will: Thats coz you ate the last three
Ralph: Your lot would be dangerous with a crayon
Clive: Tasty but painful if you poke them in your eye
Ralph: Exactly dangerous
Ralph spotted they were not alone in this northern territory of the Dutchess. 
Ralph: At least they haven't got pointy sticks.
Clive: Are you sure it's not a reflection Ralph?
Ralph: Not that lot don't have our nice uniforms.
Will: Sticks are there
Lancers!
Mark kept with his plan, moving quickly with his dragoons, while his loyal borderers tried to keep up best they could. Mark knew they would move swiftly once he secured the road.
As he moved up, Mark was informed of firing away to his left. Suddenly, the mission was changing.
Enemy troops had invaded and were pushing back loyal Ruritanian units. 
With the heaviest fighting around the village.
Ralph: That's a hornet's nest
Mark: ........zulus! Farzunds of em!
Ralph: There's a bloody army out there
On the way past, Ralph's unit was passed by fleeing Dragoons of the Ruritanian army.
Ralph: We did this on the advice of a woman!!! Ours or there's?
Will: Yours, who are being followed by your own foot troops... Who are being chased by enemy chevelegures
Ralph: Confused am I
Clive: I'm completely confused about what's happening and where???
Ralph: No change there then. CHARGE
Clive: Why are there fleeing dragons? 
Ralph: HA
Will: You save one, they save two. Draw, fight continues
Ralph: HACK pointy sticks no good now
Will: You push them back over the hill.
Ralph: Hurrah 
Ralph: No problem. Advantage of ground now
Ralph Baker: Hope they have socks on 
Will: Orders... Clive?
Clive: I'm afraid I don't know where my units are?
Will: Here (Clive had got it into his head Ralph's unit was his).
Ralph: On the road! Lots of shootie things in the town!!
Will: Hint. White is the back of units...
Clive: Oh there is only one unit! For some reason I thought there were two 😜
Ralph: That was me Clive
Will: The other was Ralph. You both chose the same hill
Ralph: Well technically it was my hill but the Heavies jumped in
Clive: I got there first!
Ralph: I chose it first
Clive: We will retire down the road
Ralph: About time you retired!!
Clive rolled an 11, a massive failure.
Clive's men refuse to retire, honour forbids them too, and they form a management committee (and probably a trade union) on the spot, leaving Clive a little red faced. Ahead, he can see men struggling to hold the enemy.
Ralph smashed into the lancers.
Ralph: That's the spirit boys. HAVE EM! HACK! STAB!
Clive: Well I can't see any space for us to engage so I plant outflank the enemy to right or left
Ralph: CHOP
Will: (joining in) Much HACK! Lancers rout!
Ralph pursued (almost too the border).
Ralph: Yippee aiehhh
And then crossing the border - which is how this whole war started previously!
Clive: I will head right around the village.
Ralph: Oh good
Turn ends. The world as it stands...
Clive's view
Mark's view, enemy blocked by his own infantry fighting hard!
Mark: I'll have to wait till they feck off then! 
Ralph's view and roll for his orders, yes Black Powder fans, that's a successful triple move here, first of which was to turn 90 degrees.
Orders were requested.
Clive: Don't cross the border!! 😲
Will: Too late.
Ralph: Why we're already at war?
Clive: Oh I forgot......are you sure?
Ralph: Turn to the right ready to charge enemy artillery on the central road (see above). Yes. We are at war.
Clive: Where is that bloke?
Ralph: Get him later smash the enemy
Which Ralph duely did! Two batteries of deployed enemy artillery and the enemy CinC in the charge!
Will: Not sure what you've done to upset them...
Again
Ralph: Execute them
Clive: Ok, we'll have a break for rum. Wine in my case
Will: Whereas you Ralph,
Ralph: CHARGE
Will: Your blood is up
Two sets of combat rolls, those of a nervous disposition should look away now!
Two sets on eemy artillery are mown down in short order, the enemy CinC escapes (by the skin of his teeth) to the nearest infantry unit.
Ralph: Get his nibs!
Mark: My plan seems to be working. Well done chaps!
Ralph: Oh wait no CHARGE rear of infantry
Clive: Good job I moved out of his way
Ralph: Don't worry Clive I've got you in my sights
Meanwhile, on the other flank, Mark's prophetic warning that the infantry would soon be out of the way
came true, as under the weight of enemy fire, the foot retired shaken.
Mark: CHARGE!
Ralph: Copycat
As the foot notice the legendary lothario and lover. They rally, beaten up, but place themselves under his direct command. (Mark now has a chance each time he passes by a unit of influencing them, this was a critical success). The borderers also joined up with him.
The next turn begins.
Ralph decideds the only honourable thing to do as a hussar is to 'CHARGE rear of infantry most directly to my front'.
Clive: Can I see what's around me? 
Clive decided to ride imto the village and turn left to head out and support the troops there, which, this time, his men agreed with (I suspect his unit is now actually run by committee).
Rolling from the right, Mark had moving infantry to his front, which, being a good dragoon commander, he charged.
His orders produced this.
Clive: Deuces
Ralph Baker: What does that mean?
Clive: Oh!
Mark: Not sure what that means...
Will: Low is very very very good.
Ralph: HURRAH FOR SMIRNOFF
Will: Even the borderers join you Mark!
Clive: Counter intuitive 🤓
Mark: Brilliant!
Not to be outdone, Clive rolled this:
Ralph: BOTH SMIRNOFFS
Clive Dean: Hoorah!
Ralph: Forward the heavies
Clive: Straight through and into the enemy cavalry!
Ralph: CHARGE
Clive: Good job my men refused to listen to me earlier!
Before I got carried away, I resolved Mark's fight. The enemy shoot at Mark as he closed in, but it was ineffective.
Clive: They are good sorts really
They miss as tons of horse flesh pound round the road.
Clive: A bit rough around the edges .
Breaking the enemy foot in one go!
Mark careering pursuit takes him into range of the next unit and it is enemy foot too.
Meanwhile, Clive moves throght the village, hangs a left and smashes into the flank of an enemy Cheveleguer unit that was in contact with a loyal Ruritanian foot unit that had been valiantly holding the flank. (It was visible from Clive's starting point, and on a triple move was a fraction of a move inside his maximum distance). Orange and read dice are the cream of Ruritanian cavalry, green dice are the beleagured foot, grey are the enemy cavalry. 4 hits plays 2.
Impressive amount of 1s from Clive there! Not good for the enemy... They rout
Ralph: Woof woof
Mark: Yay. 
Mark: Smash into enemy flank! KILL! 
Clive crashes into the next unit, and swings again, he saved both hits on him and the enemy lose, but retire fighting.
Ralph Baker: Slash and hack
Clive smashes back in to them for next turn.
Ralph with an enemy infantry unit showing their back to his front took the only action a Hussar commander could really isue at this point: CHARGE
Clive: I threw all the ones because you said low was good 😏
Ralph: Counter intuitive eh!!!
Will: Combat you want high. Morale high on 2d6. Moving low. Otherwise I would never move...
Clive: Just messing about
Will: I know
At the end of a spectacularly bloody turn, everyone had killed one unit this turn! Their dice had been astounding all turn.
Ralph: Good start
Will: Bully!
Ralph: They started it!! Oh no perhaps we did!
Clive: He's a bit rough!
Ralph: All in a days work
With four units and a general taken by Ralph now, he was looking a bit heroic...
Ralph: Brought up in poverty makes you aarrrd. Hopefully the war is not a stalemate now
The enemy had a turn, but there were a lot less of them to do damage all of a sudden... 
Ralph: What no way
Clive: They are bit less sure of themselves now
The infantry to Mark's front are undecided, as his heavy cavalry approach one flank wants to form square, but faced by infantry on the other flank that flank is slightly hesitent. They make up their mind and form square 
Mark: Hold the charge let the infantry hit them in Square
The enemy is desperation launch lots of charges in the centre, fights break out all over the place.
and a friendly infantry unit retires bloodied.
In a bloody fight in the centre, the enemy are pushed back by desperate defending, bolstered by Nepredatel himself. 
While on the left, infantry near Clive push back threatening Chevelegures. 
Clive's cavalry have the enemy in contact and have made them nervous, and they rout! Allowing Clive to smash into the next unit too.
His dice were pretty impressive!
That's a lot of damage he caused. The supporting unit do not like it either and shatter.
Sweeping away the enemy flank.
Ralph: Have em
Clive: Treat! Continue the rout.
Will: Nice flag you picked up there Clive!!!
Clive: Excellent on the bedroom wall!
Clive: Rude boy!
Will: They also leg it!!! Great Auntie will be pleased.
Clive: We're running out of people to bash!
Ralph: No there's that strangely named bloke we have to teach the error of his ways
Clive: Yes surround the town.
Ralph: It is surrounded, we are on 3 sides already
Clive has a captured officer, who when he surrenders, lets slip some useful information (DUMDUMDUUUM)...
(The other's don't 'hear' it)
Ralph: Looks like a message from 2 sheep. Oh no that's a 12 on movement the world has ended
A new turn begins, and orders are requested. 
Ralph: Right wheel and charge rear of next enemy infantry unit
Clive: We need to see this lot off before we head back to town?
Will: This lot are not looking happy tbh...
Clive: If they run let them go and head back to the town
Will: Mark? Still shooting your Square?
Mark: Um.....if the infantry get stuck into the Square I will charge too.
Will: They are so up for that!!!
The combined mass of infantry and cavalry smash into the square...
Mark: In we go! No prisoners!
Will: Not a good day for them!
Ralph: Superb
Will: EEEEEEK! They die on the spot.
Mark has just picked up his second unit, and just added to his already impressive repuation by leading a cavalry charge that collapsed a square (with a lot of help from the infantry).
Ralph: Excellent
Clive: Brave but foolish
Over at the woods, Ralph's Hussars may be blown. 
Not blown then, just resting. Well, they don't roll really low like Mark and Clive.
They manage a turn to face the enemy (and to remove the branches from their busbys) but that's it. It does line him up in an interesting position though... 
Ralph: Surely not
Will: Don't call me Shirley!
Over on Clive's flank, the infantry are not moving, having been fighting all day. They are sitting on their packs. Its been a long day...
Mark: OK best look for more victims now.....
Ralph: Best foot forward CHARGE
Clive: We need to capture all officers!
Clive: Charge nearest enemy. Keep our current prisoner secure!
Ralph: Even the lieutenants. I usually string those up
Will: Mark?
Mark: Hold on....
Ralph: He's dropped a chindit
Will: Painful
The next turn saw a slight lull in the carnage.
Mark ordered his cavalry forwards towards the border between the two woods, and as he moved off, he found he now had TWO infantry units following close at heel. Ohh they worship him alright!!! 
Ralph: Ohm Ohm Ohm Is he the Messiah
Will: You are so loved you have gained another infantry unit...
(How does he do it.)
Ralph: Follow the shoe. It's an army!
Clive: Typical!
Ralph, meanwhile, watched intently as the enemy centre starts to pull back right under his horse's nose.
Clive tried to swing into the retreating masses flank around the town, but rolled a 12 for movement, a blunder!
Ralph: Blunder!! That's not possible
Clive: I'm guarding the road
Will: Your troops advance into town. A groom grabs your bridal and pulls you along. The committee in charge of your unit obviously has other plans for you.
Clive: Good......is there a wedding! 
(okay, two blunders, wrong spelling on my part - blooming autocorrect on my phone)
Will: Ralph.
Ralph: CHARGE flank of nearest enemy. We haven't got time for weddings 
Clive: Sorry, the mention of groom and bridal in the same sentence.....
Ralph: Wrong bridal perchance?
Will: Or not...
Ralph smashes another unit of infantry 
Then chases them over over the border, to nearly contact the rear of the enemy jagers (it was an autocharge due to initiative, the result was never really in doubt). 
Clive: Hmmm.....bridle?
Ralph: You are getting married then Clive
Will: They run.
Clive: 😛😄
Will: The enemy jagers are crapping themselves though!
Ralph: Good CHARGE
As Clive rides into town, something strange happens...
Ralph: A scooby doo moment
Clive: I'm not marrying her
As usual he is recognised, peasants bow and scrape and tug forelocks as only peasants can do in the presence of minor royalty
Ralph: Beggars cannot be choosers. No backbone these peasants
As he reach the junction, the unit nearest General Nepredatel handed Clive...
......
.....
.....
....
Ralph: His teddy
The army 2iC, bound and gagged.
Ralph: Close. Chop his head off
Clive: Excellent, let's grab Neptedatel for good measure
Ralph: He is Neptedatel isn't he
The regiment colonel advances under a white flag.
“This is the traitor, he's been feeding intelligence to the enemy for months. Neptedatel is a bloody hero, he has been falsifying information to send out." The 2iC nods vigorously in agreement (although a bayonet in the ribs will help that motion).
Clive: No he is the commander. This is 2ic
Ralph: Chop his head off or CHARGE
All other unit commanders ride in to confirm this, even Mark's fan club...
Clive: We need to take them both. Tell his men we are taking Nepredatel back for a medal and the traitor for execution
Mark: I'm suspicious, kill him anyway let God sort it out😀
Will: You're too busy launching a one unit invasion (again) Ralph! Twice in one day.
Ralph: CHARGE! Breaks the stalemate though
Clive: Taking them both back with me. Nepradetel deserves some leave and see his family
Mark: 😱 naughty! Can I come too?
Ralph: Next stop enemy capital
Mark: Are we victorious then? Can we set about brutalizing the prisoners yet?
Results:
They were completely victorious. Final standings (minus what the Grand-Dutchess claims).
Ralph: I've got a few cannons you could blow them out of
Mark: Two units destroyed and a square broken.
Mark: And adding a load morvve worshipers to my cause....
Clive: General Nepredatel cleared, his 2iC captured and returned to herself for her questioning (short and unpleasant I'm sure), a standard captured and two units destroyed.
Clive: I'm very pleased, I'm sure another medal is on its way
Mark: We did well, you both can have high ranking positions in the Church of My Genius
Ralph: That was a bit like the Grand National
Will: And yes Mark, this has done nothing bad to your cult.
Ralph: What church?
Mark: The one you are about to start in my honour Bishop
Honestly, apart from Clive's men taking the better option 3 times than his orders, the guy's rolls were astounding.
Ralph: I'm not a bishop
Mark: God was on our side, ......Cheers Dad 😀
Will: Don't bash him...
Mark: Archbishop then?
Clive: That was great. I do like a fun relaxing game now and then to iron out my stress 😄
Ralph: A sharp sabre more like with guts behind it
Mark: That was really fun 😀
Ralph: You heavies spend more time ironing your uniforms
Clive: I have a lot of faith in my men!
Ralph: Anyway I'm not hanging around for a prayer meeting. Over the border we go
Will: What, third time today?
Ralph: Might as well. It's there a bit like Everest
Mark: I've a good invasion me! I'm coming too!
Clive: I have to get our prisoners back ...(yawn!)... mean guest and prisoner....
Ralph: Oh no it's now a crusade led by the Pope
Will: (Any resemblance to Bavarians or Prussians, living or dead, is purely coincidental)
Clive: ....and find some more wine....
Ralph: It was a very pleasant morning ride (very enjoyable game Will)
Clive: Thanks Will, looking forward to the write up. Couldn't have gone better for any of us I think! Steamrollers are normally slower than that
Ralph: I think we just caught them on the hop
Mark: We certainly did!
Ralph: How are the chindits?
(And so the converstaion moved on...)
A hell of a game, everything they tried went their way, Ralph sweeping round the flank, Clive busting the middle then rolling a 12 for intelligence, Mark starting a one man religion, all in an incredible night's gaming. Brilliant fun over WhatApp and one that left me as umpire completely exhausted. We started at 6.45, and were finished by just gone 9!
By the way, Neprendatel is Bulgarian for 'Not a traitor'.
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