Start of the Transnistrian War!

Our remore this game, and my turn to 'host' this week:

Ruritania Gazette

*Princess Eliene von Schwanz-Necken has been captured!*

Again..

That's the third time this week.

The Grand-dutchesses' step-daughter-in-law has something of a reputation. However, what is different this time is whoever took her also took her diary, and that diary contains rather incriminating information on most of the officers in the army of Ruritania, plus several members of the Royal families.

She must be recaptured before she is taken out the dutchy.

Dramatis personae:

Ralph: Boris Tobogganvich riding with The 1st Transnistrian Light-Heavy Hussars. Nice to see an officer who has come up through the ranks and not bought his commission too...

Mark: Graf Smirnoff von Bibble. The 5th Grand Petit Augsberg Dragoons is his, bought and paid for.

Clive:The Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff., commanding the Royal Distillers Cuirassiers and Temperance Caribiniers, a volitile mixture, commanded by a junior member of the royal household..

The Brief:

Enclosed is the latest, and most accurate, map of the Transnistrian Province of Ruritania, freshly drawn by the Ruritanian Board of Cartographers. North is up, we think, but who knows...

The Princess Eliene von Schwanz-Necken is on a carridge heading on the main 'road' 'North towards Borduria.

Borduria is a rather closed off, backwards nation, with no great material assets, wealth or military to speak of, but are seen by the neighbouring nations as something of trouble makers, especially by your close ally Slydavia. Relations between your two great nations have soured considerably of late, as they disapproved of the Grand-Duchesses's chosen successor. Maybe that is why the Princess is being taken there, to disrupt the succession with the contents of her diary; or maybe she has a rearly good book deal.

The players all choose a road to enter on, thankfully they all chose different ones...

The weather is grey and overcast.

Locals have told you the carridge is about half an hour ahead of you.

Between you and Borduria is a small settlement, there are two border posts on the road, but otherwise the border is marked by a rather rotten wicket fence. The Bordurians have a small village near their border post, but nothing worth bothering with.

The table (and rocking horse).

The carriage on the road.

The Ruritanian units set off in hot pursuit. Well, apart from the Dragoons, who upon hearing their brief, stand around Graf Smirnoff von Bibble asking questions like: "What have you been up to, again?" "Does your wife know?" "How come you get all the ladies?""Have you been tested recently?" Which rather stops him in his tracks...

 Tobogganvich claims he is meerly protecting the lady's honour, the tabloids suddenly take interest...

Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff retorted with he has seen the page that mentions Tobogganvich, and he should be ashamed. Tobogganvich denies all involvement and claims mistaken identity... (This level of banter went on all game over WhatsApp, most is completely unrepeatable).

Meanwhile the ladies captors make it through the village. 

Graf Smirnoff von Bibble tries to force his men on, but all that happens is no moement as more and more questions are asked: "What did you do with her sir?" "Was she as amazing as everyone says she is?" "How did you afford it on your salary sir?" "Got any etching sir?" "Do you want some?"  

 Second 11 in a row, yes, high scores are bad...

Meanwhile, Tobogganvich reaches the village, to be met by a detachment of the Border Guards, who demand to know what is going on. In a whisper, Toboggavich explains there is a border incusruion, and that the guards should follow him. The guards captain raises the alarm, at full volume!

 Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff decideds to take the Cuirassiers and Caribiniers up the hill, which slows him somewhat, especially as his troops wrinkle their noses at the thought of going cross-country!

The ladies carriage trots away down the road, pursued by the Border Guards

"CAN WE GET A MOVE ON!" Commands Graf Smirnoff von Bibble, his men huddle up as he fumes, and after a long discussion, declare him a living legend! Suddenly, they move.

Tobogganvich nearly has the carriage in his grasp as it reaches the border post with Borduia, crashing through the gate, upsetting the custom's house warder as he will have to pay for that!. 

What is that we spy? A regiment of Bordurian infantry, lurking across the border, peacefully marching along the road, practising their formation drills?

Meanwhile, Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff, determined to not block the road, skirts the village, much to his men's constenation, it's muddy out here, there are laundry services there...

From out of nowhere, bouyed on by his cheering men, Graf Smirnoff von Bibble races into the village to be met by the local Yeomanry, raised by the screams of the Border Guards, demanding to know what the hell is going on!

Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff reaches the edge of the fields, they are newly ploughed, and  his men really don't want to have to cross the muddy field. They stop to clean the mud off their horses shoes.

 Graf Smirnoff von Bibble races on down the road, with the Yeomanry following, determined to get to the bottom of all this...

Toboggonvich despatches the Border Guards through the wood, as he pursues down the road. The carriage smashes through the Bordurian infantry regiment, leaving them diving for safety into roadside ditches and scattered about the road and disordered... 

And then the carriage hits the ditch, losing a wheel. From behind the hill a unit of Bordurian Lancers rush to assist the wounded, help the scattered infantry and restore peace and quiet.

The lady is seen being helped from her seat by several shady and burly characters.

It is too late, the Hussars blood is up, they cross the border and smash through the scattered infantry, routing them and piling into the back of the carriage (literally). The Lancers on the hill watch on aghast as their border is violated and army attacked.

 Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff, desperate to catch up to the light horse, attempts to cross the fields with heavily armoured cavalry. The clay is claggy and his move is somewhat curtailed.

A local militia emerges from the Bordurain village, and seeing all the enemy cavalry the wrong side of the border, immediately form square around the shady characters and her Highness. The Border Guards emerge from the wood as the Hussars and the Lancers crash into each other.
The Hussars are forced back, and the Lancers pursue.
Graf Smirnoff von Bibble makes it to the woods, followed by his cheering fan club!

The whirling melee continues, sword on sword

While the Border Guards line up for a flanking charge.

It's now turn 7, and this is Graf Smirnoff von Bibble's third 11 on the dice. Purple in the face, he screams at his men to charge the Lancers. All he hears is the Yeomanry saying to the Dragoons "Did he really? How?" His legendary status may be growing, but so is the chance of death by appoplexy!

Which means Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff, leading the cream of the Ruritanian cavalry, is stuck behind a group of gossiping cavalrymen!

The Border Guard cross the border and hit the Lancers in the flank.

But they are only militia guards, and despite their best efforts, the Lancers fight them off.

 Graf Smirnoff von Bibble's cavalry finally decided to get involved, and this is the result of his charge (he needed 3s).

The Lancers, not to be outdone, try to fight back (needing 5s)

The Lancers save on a 4, or not...

Hit on three sides, the Lancers dissolve and rout towards home, wondering what just happened?

Pursued by the forces of Ruritainia the Lancers leave the field (assisted, or not, by various Yeomanry and Border Guards from the Transistrian home guard) The Hussars are blown, and cannot move this turn. Meanwhile, after being dragged through muddy fields, the Cuirassiers and Caribinairs are now forced to treck through a wood, those pretty helmets certainly get caught in branches sooo easily!
Meanwhile, the Militia have been unloading the contents of the carriage, pearls pocketed, underwear traded, and a battered red diary reverently passed to an officer.

The Militia, seeing two units of their glorious forces attacked and beaten, take a pot shot with their antiquated muskets at the passing cavalry.

Disaster! The Border Guards run, having been shot at. They retire at full speed to their side of the border and safety behind the hill.

Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff reaches the border post to see the caranage in front of him. His ADC leans over and mentions that as a member of the Royal Household, he needs express written permission from the Grand Dutchess to leave the country, and had he brought his passport?

 The Militia realise quite how much trouble they are in, and form an even tighter square around herself and her possessions, the diary must be protected.

So, he has his hand stamped by the border guard, like some 80s club doorman. The Hussars rally, and try to work out which way round their carbines go.

 Graf Smirnoff von Bibble orders his men to halt their pursuit and rally. But they ignore him (for the fourth time), their blood is up, and no one will stand in their way!

And both units continue pursuing the poor Lancers off table.

And now it starts raining!

Tobogganvich, worried that their nice shiny uniforms will shrink in the rain, leads his gallent troops into the Bordurian Village, which is now hastily draping their walls with Ruritanian flags, and does the only decent thing, finds the nearest inn. He settles in, and opens up a bar table for the whole regiment under the name of  'Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff'. The wine is pleasent, the beer and fire are warm. All is good.

The real Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff leads his elite troops into the square of local militia. This should be an easy win for the elite cavalry.

The ground shakes as the heavy horse crashes into pikes held by unwashed peasents.

And promptly fails to do any damage whatsoever!!! The foot even breaks out from square and attack the heavy cavalry. 7 dice vs 4...

How did that get there?

In a jubbled mess of comrades, looted goods and chickens (there's always chickens), Graf Smirnoff von Bibble returns. One of his men is visibly weeping and drying his nose on a captured Bordurian standard, being slapped on the back and saluted by all. 'His Mum will be so proud'!

The Border Guards rally, but decide that staying their side of the Border, and maybe moving the fence to show Ruritania's new gains might be a safer idea (ordered to rejoin the action, they rolled a 10).

Those Hussar's sober enough to shoot try to plug away at the militia, to not a great deal of effect. 7 dice of Cuirassier hits pushes the militia back, but still they stand firm. Several shady characters are noted to be trying to sneak away, but their officer forces them back into the unit with the pointy end of his blade!

Cuirassiers, needing a roll of 3 or higher on their seven dice, militia (green) needing a 4 on 4 dice. We'll call that one a draw shall we?

Graf Smirnoff von Bibble swings around to rejoin the fun. The Hussars colour party forms up around Tobogganvich (well, those that can still stand up). The Militia are hit from three sides.

The result is certain, and bloody (Clive left, Ralph middle, Mark right, Militia below, they go down fighting)

Those of nervous disposition look away now... After four turns of blood(less) combat, the Militia are mown down on their fifth turn. Heroes of Borduria, they will be remembered ever more.

Tobogganavich meet the Lady, she is unbound and escorted to safety by a burly Hussar to the inn. We are not sure who is more pleased! As the Militia rout, Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff notices a shredded and tattered remains of a red book, trampled and ripped to pieces in a puddle.

Mission accomplished, the Lady is safe, her diary destroyed. Phew.

Apart from the trespass, international incident, property damage, the destruction of three Bordurian units, annixation of a village, the depopulation of Militia from the village, the capture of a cavalry standard, the start of a war and an arguement over a bar tab, an uneventful day!

Scene: a week later, the Ruritanian Audience Chamber

The Grand Dutchess enters in her bathchair, her one eye sparkling like Dame Maggie Smith with a killer line. Standing, quaking, three unit colonels snap to attention. She is pushed towards to them, 'accidentally' running over the toes of Tobogganvich and Smirnoff von Bibble, who wince and stand firm, she reaches out one gnarled hand, and grabs the throat of Archduke Graf Von Smirnoff.

"Nephew, what the hell do you think you were doing? Starting a war, leaving the country, putting my Grand-Neice-In-Law in danger, how DARE YOU! Do you know how much damage you have done, next time, do the decent thing and assassinate her!"

She throws him aside, the 98 year old is surprisingly strong, and then smiles at his crumpled form, sweetly "Oh, and remember to tell your mother that it's her turn to host the cribbige game this week, I'll be round about 8, thank you dear! 

A highly amusing game, it could all have been over by 8 when Ralph's cavalry contacted the carriage, or Mark not leaving his baseline, but the arrival of three enemy units and Clive's inability to hit anything made for an even better narrative! This will be the start of a narrative campaign, let's see what mess the Smirnoffs and Tobogganovich can get into next!